Howdy Mother-Fuckers

Now I've always been told we have to appreciate and recognize where we came from. That hometown that you popped out of your mother's vagina in, yeah you know. Some people are blessed with Paris, Australia, some exotic locale like Zimbabwe. #Goals. Well mine was Houston, Texas. I mean not literally smack dab in the middle of the city, but a suburb of Houston. The Woodlands. If you know about it awesome, you can join the other 5 people on the planet who know about it too. In fact I'll let you know when I'm back in town and we can shuck corn together. Just kidding. That's such a stereotypical thing to say, right? Well growing up I was just not cut out for the slow lifestyle that Houston represents. Don't get me wrong - the year is 2015 and I hear they are doing a damn good job down there. The allure of trendy coffee shops and juicing is just now becoming mainstream. You go Houston. Way to be behind everyone else in the world. (claps quietly in the corner)

 Photo:  Courtesy of    August Man

Photo: Courtesy of August Man

It's a simple life and that's awesome if you want to sit back, relax, and pump out baby after baby getting off to reality TV and high school reunions. I didn't sign up for that shit. Now not everyone in Houston is like this - just so happens to be everyone in my 10-mile radius. I can't speak about the rest of Texas, because I didn't venture out into the great outdoors (I was too nervous). I hear Austin is pretty great though. If Silicon Valley and Brooklyn were to fuck they’d pop out Austin. It's a start-up orgy over there. I love it. Everyone's so motivated and everybody’s got the next greatest thing. I'm still waiting for that ridiculous app to see how good I am in bed. Like just attach my iPhone to my dick and start going at it – oh wait that already exists sadly.

“If Silicon Valley and Brooklyn were to fuck they’d pop out Austin.”

Whenever I tell people where I'm from they immediately go, omg really? I would've never guessed. What the fuck people? Does everyone around the world think I ride a horse and bring my cow to school for show and tell? Sorry to disappoint you, but there's only one place that's like that and you don't ever want to go there. I mean Houston has it’s down sides, but there's also positives too. We get blessed with a hurricane every so often, we constantly don't have to use lube because the sweat from the heat is sufficient enough to just slide right in there, and Mexican food. Oh Mexican food. It's good until you spend the better half of your day locked behind a bathroom door trying to figure out all your life choices you've made up to this point in time.

 Photo:  Courtesy of  Garage Magazine

Photo: Courtesy of Garage Magazine

Seriously though, I moved to New York because I had dreams. I had real dreams and real goals that the backwoods just couldn't satisfy. My point is just because you start somewhere doesn't mean that's where your meant to end up. You have the power to change it. Get of your ass and make it happen. I did it and stereotypes will always be around. There's no changing it. Instead of looking at them negatively you have to know how to laugh at them and move forward. If you can't laugh at them yourself everyone else will laugh at them for you. You have better self-confidence than that.

In another life though I would've loved to have really been apart of the Texas spirit. It would've been exhilarating!! New Yorkers just won't understand what it means to be from Texas, because unlike their state the people from Texas have managed to brand themselves into a conservative playground that people can't seem to escape from. Oh well. As my Texan fantasies continue, I'll just sit back and sip some Sweet Tea all the while yelling, “HEY Y’ALL.” 

 Photo:  Courtesy of  August Man

Photo: Courtesy of August Man